Today I feel beaten down.
I feel tired and mad and sad all at once.
I feel a sense of injustice and a sense of betrayal.
I feel unequal and used.
I feel cheated by the system and confused by my womanhood. Confused because I have always thought that it was a thing to be celebrated. But not today. Today I am frustrated with my womanhood and the archaic notions that people in the workplace have about women.
I am a capable and innovative leader. As the head of my department at work, I have made many changes that have helped our company both save money while increasing efficiency and overall success. I know that I’m good at what I do. But this person that I am at work, this strong capable person, is constantly beaten and torn down by the comments and backlash I receive for making the same decisions that any other man has. However, I am not viewed as a leader. No, I am viewed as being bossy. I am not viewed as assertive, I am viewed as pushy. I am not viewed as being efficient, I am viewed as being unfriendly.
I am exhausted by the extra emotional effort I have to put in to sugar-coating everything that I do in order to be taken seriously and not be viewed as a horrible woman. It is wrong. And in addition, I should not have to deal with comments about my weight or about my appearance (“If you gave some of your weight to So-And-So, you’d both be the perfect size!) and (“Wow, you look tired today”). Too often my ability is judged based on how much makeup I put on that day and how many smiles I hand out to my coworkers, not on how well I am actually able to do my job.
So, today, I am tired and feeling betrayed by my womanhood. I’ll get over it, these circumstances as they are, and hopefully be all the more strong for it.